My heart breaks for other people a lot of times. For friends that are struggling. For those I know are better than what they allow themselves. The people I allow to know me, I love a lot and I love hard.
Then other days, my heart just breaks. I get lonely and my heart aches for things I don’t know. I’m one of those people that doesn’t know how to stop loving someone. I’ll be sucked right back in the second things start going right and when they go wrong again, I know that I know…I should’ve protected me better or kept my mouth shut. I just don’t know how. I’m like this really weird paradox that hates vulnerability, but enjoys being real. So I’ll tell the hard truths and I’ll be honest with people, but I still protect the deep parts of my heart. I’m genuine in what I say and I’m known for it, but laying it on the line when a part of me is at stake, that’s a different story.
I know parts of me are a disaster; they’re just a complete mess. Sometimes I say too much. Sometimes I don’t say enough. Sometimes I shut down and walk away when I’m frustrated. Some days I seriously wonder if I’ll always feel some things deep down and if I’ll just push those to the side to make it through the day. I struggle with feeling redeemed. I struggle with grace. I struggle to pursue Him back. Sometimes, I just really don’t want to. In the aftermath of all of those things, though, I find myself running, immediate or delayed, to the one place I know I can be vulnerable and broken and still be known. So, today I’m a bit of a mess. Tomorrow, I’ll be a mess, too, of a different kind I’m sure. All of these faults in myself and things that threaten to break me may never change. I’m just thankful that even if they do,
He won’t.
