I swore that I would be kind and not harsh, that I would share and not build walls, but promises from these lips are like already broken glass. There is no piece or place in me that is starting from a comprehensible whole. I am in pieces. Be warned - I may cause you to bleed. And I do not know where my heartstrings start and end but they seem to be constantly short-circuiting. I think I’m trying to fix this. Trying to fix the dead-end statements and passive aggressive meanings that seem to have gotten loose from my faulty grip. I may be trying. Or I may be making it worse. But I swear something is happening because I get these daily messages engraved into my palms or sometimes whispered in my dreams telling me that I am changing. The signal is out. Habits are altering and my home is shifting. My passion, love, and attention are all being remodelled. There is something critical happening in my nervous system, something worthwhile is forming from the fragments that I thought had been empty all along. I am becoming more than these shattered pieces. I swear. This is the first time that I did not cry. Maybe it does stop hurting. Maybe leaving does get easier. But I don’t think I want it to be easy. And while you may say this could be growth, I must say that I don’t feel good about it. Not one bit. So for now I will keep hoping that my tear ducts are temporarily broken because leaving without a knot at the base of my throat doesn’t feel quite right.
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