Reflecting back on 2013

It's hard to believe that we're almost a month in to 2014, soon I will graduating and starting a new chapter in my life.

I wrote this on new years reflecting the past year and all the hardships i experienced. Life was hard man, but it sure felt good to grow. I learned a lot about myself in 2013 and a lot about people.
I learned that avoiding what you feel does not make you strong, it just makes it hurt more when you let it out. That hardening your heart also does not make you strong, it just makes you lonely. I learned that you don’t need someone to touch to be happy and you shouldn’t rely on another person to make you feel better. But, having a friend and family who understands you and pushes you and loves you and tells you that they’re proud of you when you are able to do the smallest things means the world (thank you, friend) I learned that vulnerability is important. That you can’t force yourself to feel something or stop feeling something, so you just have to keep going and be happy anyways. I learned that love has nothing to do with wanting or needing or having but everything to do with appreciating a person as they are and being happy for them because they’re happy. I learned that seeing someone you love with another person only hurts when you think you can’t survive without them (you can, I promise). I learned that mean people are hurting so either send them love or ignore their attempts. It really isn’t worth fighting them. I learned that it’s important to look at your naked body in the mirror and make a mental note of the parts you really love. I learned much earlier that you can’t change people, but recently I learned that you should accept them and love them (all of them). I learned that it’s important to interact with strangers, and even better to interact with ones you’ll never meet (like taping notes all over the city saying “have you told them? what’s stopping you?” or “I hope you take some time today to appreciate yourself” or “tell someone you love them” or “thank you for existing”). I learned that people will hate you and it doesn’t matter. I learned that it’s okay to fall to the floor sobbing in the shower thinking about terrible things, as long as you get up and get help after. I learned that it’s okay to not be okay. I learned that fear is no reason to not do something you really want to do. I learned that going on walks alone is important. I learned that you will always survive heartbreak and that being alone is not bad at all, that most discoveries will be made that way. I learned that the smallest changes lead to beautiful realizations. I learned that creating is important. That letting go is important. That making peace with yourself, with your past, and with all people is important. That loving is important (and that there are many different levels to love). That forgiving is important. I learned that anxiety and depression do not need to be the most powerful thing your life. I learned that pain does not last. I learned that the universe works in strange ways, and that you need to pay attention to all things. I learned that when two people dream of each other at the same time it means something. I learned how to let go. I learned how to be patient with myself. I learned how to rip myself open and pull out all of the rot (thank you Listener for that beautiful metaphor) and sort through it, and that you will shake while you do but you will be stronger because of it. That this rot does not need to stay inside. That sorting through that rot is the only way to grow again. I learned that growing again is inevitable. I learned to be at ease with myself.

It's past 12 AM, dear

My eyes are closed and I’m typing this hardly awake and hardly asleep and hardly aware and hardly rational but that is okay because a lot of the times my heart is right here at my finger tips or right on the tip of my tongue and I speak on it when most of the time I shouldn’t. People don’t know how to handle tasting that sort of love with a little kiss, how can you be sure what someone’s intentions are unless you question them with your lips? The edge of the jaw, their bare throat, you have to know what to pay attention to. Because it is all in the way they move it is not about the kiss it is the placement and the raw touch that will tell you everything you have to know, don’t be such a silly girl with that melting and mushy heart of yours, save it for the day when your windows were left open though that’s such a misleading term because you always prefer them that way, and you keep your lips clenched tight and touch your toes to the rain that’s soaking the washed boards beneath them and I know you’re thinking and I know you’re standing there with ankles chest fingers numb but stop thinking for the night and don’t say those words, don’t trip over the throbbing ache in your mouth I know it’s straining I know it’s tiring, you should have long ago been in bed but it’s not such a place at all for rest without a pair of knees to kiss your own. But don’t they always tell you it’s so foolish to need anyone else. Well so what if I just nudge out that word what if I get rid of the need and keep it for when it’s needed, no, no no I am not that vulnerable girl I do not need you but I crave you that’s more fitting does that keep things light on our toes enough, is that the right amount of emotion you’re looking for? And you’re happy on your own you’ve learned and you’ve wandered and you’ve shared late nights with the moon but doesn’t it seem silly when all you can quite think about is how those deep cheek bones might look in the night’s mouth and you wonder if the night keeps it’s heart on it’s tongue just like you do and if just maybe at the right time, just maybe there is a right time to say everything that you need to. There is that awful word again. But I do not want to need you, please believe that it may be the last choice I may make from this position, eyes glued to the dripping pane, waiting and impatient and wondering and barely at my knees barely crawling laying there split open for you to pick apart, I can’t help but to notice if you notice. No, but you might. I do not want to need you but tell me what it means to need someone when you are unsure of what you need? Tell me what it means to want without knowing how or feel without control, without pause and without any interruption even tasteful, when not even the salty tang against the tip of your tongue could quiet it. It is always that sort of night where if you were wise you’d curl into bed and let your analyzing and love drive you mad, but you’ve never been that type of girl. No, you want teeth sinking into every single place that makes you drip and stain your skin and lips and sheets and bones and fingers you want a constant reminder of things that might soon need to be forgotten, but you savor what you can get. And right now the blood on your lips, whether mine or your own, is enough for me to make the wrong choice maybe for one last night. Who knows what we could become by morning.